In piecing together thoughts on my own mental health it comes with a slight (ok, a rather huge) unease of coming across as moan-y or self-obsessed. Yet in putting that to the side as much as my brain possibly can + pushing through that naked vulnerability fear, here we go. Again.
So you may already have read some of my pieces on, or heard me speak about, my personal journey with depression + eating disorders as a result of childhood trauma. While thankfully I’ve made massive strides over the years I will admit, it’s been a bloody long road, one that I seem to either be trudging along with whatever strength I can muster - a power that seems to dwindle + simultaneously strengthen each time I’m sucked back into the downward spiral of depression - or in the other very much welcomed less intense times, you’ll find me on a path nearby - loving every moment, day, week + hopefully month of actually living.
This year has seen me more often than not on the bathroom floor of cafe d’epresso - as I call it. A state of depressed where I find myself lacking the ability to see beyond any current state + sometimes in a frightening depth of a type of despair I don’t really know how to voice or explain without sounding like I’m seeking attention or being too dramatic, other than to say, it’s brought me to an edge I’d known before, yet the very edge I hadn’t so seriously found myself at in many years + it scared me. It really scared me.
I feel the need to write this, not just for you who might also find yourself in those dark places + in need of a reminder, but for myself, both future + present, so I can read my own words + remind myself of what I CAN do + what DOSE work when faced with the blindness.
Ultimately.. I know, I know, I am getting there I promise, the point of this piece + the point I’m getting to understand more + more is that even in times when it seems like nothing works to alleviate the absence of hope or ignite any amount of lightness, what I can share with 100% certainty is there is one thing. Consistency. One thing that works is to practice consistency. Small, baby steps - as my loving Husband + best friend remind me of daily - made consistently is exclusively the only way to move through + eventually beyond the debilitating stagnant state depression often causes. Whatever you can or wish to be consistent with is up to you. And whatever it is, is enough.I know options don’t really help in those times so for me there’s a list of positive things that I know will help me once I get to doing them consistently. And even if the consistency isn’t in one particular thing but rather in doing one thing on your list.
I can relate too, if you find yourself thinking, but like FFS Rebecca nothing works + there’s nothing that makes any real difference when you’re this low. I get it. I say these very words + feel it myself when I’m there. It’s some weird phenomenon that I can’t ever quite get my head around too that when I’m in a serious state of depression, the very thing I know, when in the whole of my health, helps if I do it each day, is the exact thing I can’t seem to bring myself to do or implement in my routine. Getting up + actually showering, getting dressed + taking our dog for a walk WILL make things a tiny bit better when done daily - but your brain comes in + says, but what is a tiny bit better when the depths of this shit is so deep it’s like trying to let the light of a pocket torch, shone from the opening of a well, reach 10 miles under ground. It’s seemingly impossible + makes absolutely no difference. So what’s the point? There is none, says the brain.. And plus you don’t have the energy. I manage to shower one day, promising myself I’ll do it again tomorrow + yet days pass + I can’t seem to get myself undressed + under the water again. The simple things are crippling never mind having to keep up with + uphold a life that I love. Trust me, I get it. The overwhelming sense of confusion + frustration too at not being able to bring yourself to do the things that work.. what is that?! you say. And then, the guilt. The f-ing guilt.
HOWEVER, in relating to all that, I bring it back to the basics of consistency + the fact that the only way forward is tiny steps made with commitment despite how you feel on in the inside. I think too, it’s about leaning into the most simple things + asking for help where you can, not thinking you can do it all in one go or go from zero to one hundred with a day or a week. If managing the shower daily or getting the go for a walk each morning is your daily thing, then be proud of that. And for other things that will help, perhaps you can bring them in a few times a week + over time, the brain definitely begins to notice that oh she’s still able to do the things despite how she’s feeling.. that’s progress.
I know this isn’t rocket science + I certainly don’t claim to be a genius. And it can all feel beyond the bounds of possibility but I recently journaled of how it’s the consistency of doing the small things that will bring about a glimmer of lightness, not in a quick-fix manner but over time because let’s be real, doing it once won’t make any real difference however with persistence, you begin to feel a shift.
Again I’m no authority + certainly don’t claim to have all the answers but what if, in doing one thing daily - be that whatever you need - imagine where you might be in a week, a month or a year. And screw it, even if I’m still depressed, at least I might have clean hair + fresh clothes on. Consistency. Patience. Growth.
