HSF — And on that note, when we’ve found identity in parts of ourselves that no longer serve us, how can we detach from what we no longer need?
VC — Again, there’s this beautiful way that when we discover who we truly are + become really grounded + rooted in that, it becomes very obvious what we need to shift + let go of. If that’s people, they may have a hard time + there may be pain or grief involved in that process, but our deep grounding in who we are allows us to weather any of those storms with both full conviction + tremendous love + compassion.
HSF — As humans we all exist constantly between the healer + the healed. There’s always someone ahead + someone behind, just as we are to others. Yet there is a lot of unsolicited advice, ‘expert’ opinions + sometimes dangerously authoritative directive information within the self-development + wellness space. Personally, the only thing that’s worked for me is trying a million things + compiling my own treasure box of what works. Do you have any advice for those in that place of total overwhelm? Where do people start?
VC — It’s not an easy road + you’re right it’s very crowded with conflicting messages. I would offer a couple of points of guidance.
Number one. Steer clear of anyone who tells you what to do or what you should think or projects an aura of authority. Nobody knows what’s right for you but you. If somebody is trying to tell you that they know what is right for you, run in the other direction.
The second thing I would say is that if you really want to make change, you need to treat this like your full-time job. Now I’m not suggesting we quit our jobs. I’m suggesting that we are capable of multiple full-time jobs at the same time, especially women and mothers. My point is that you need to really prioritize this + take it seriously. It does not get relegated to the very last item on the list, the thing you get to once you’ve taken care of + satisfied everyone else’s needs. If you approach your own healing as a nice to have + not a must have, you will not make any changes. The first thing is you have to decide it matters. Then you fight for it. There is so much healing just in the process of making that decision.
The third thing I‘d suggest is finding quiet from the noise of life today. It can feel sometimes near impossible, but how or where you find your feet most firmly on the ground between what requires your attentions speaks volumes.
I actually spend a ton of time alone in my home office. Once the kids go to school, I would say between 8 and 3 PM, I’m almost always alone + in the quiet. That’s what I need to fuel me as I’m very introverted. I pace myself in terms of energy output + being around people. I’ve gotten good at not over-filling my capacity, + my team is amazing in helping me protect my energy.
HSF — Do you have any non-negotiables in your day?
VC — When you’ve got five kids + two businesses + a busy household to run, you have to be flexible. I have found that putting my stake in the ground about doing something at a certain time every day or even every day simply always gets upended. My nonnegotiable is that I am constantly checking in with how I’m doing: how I feel + what I need. I can be flexible to a point, but I’ve always got my own needs in mind, + I take care of myself. So yeah, I can go a day or two with not enough rest but then I make the space to get the rest I need. My nonnegotiable is that I never let my needs go unattended for long enough that I’m feeling resentful or burned out. I’m not always the first priority, but I’m always one of the priorities. Both the needs of my family AND my needs get taken care of, not always all at the same time but all eventually. I am absolutely in the mix of people who have needs that matter. That is not negotiable.
HSF — Your favourite piece of advice or approach to your life by?
VC — The path to discovering yourself is paved with deep self honesty plus deep self compassion.
HSF — The book, movie, show + podcast that’s left a lasting effect..
VC — The book would be Razors Edge by William Somerset Maugham. Battlestar Galactica as a TV show + Elena Brower’s interview with Meggan Watterson on her Practice You podcast.
HSF — What are you most interested in learning about at this stage in your life?
Me.
HSF — What’s next for NUSHU?
I’m working on a course for mothers to reclaim themselves that I’m really excited about. We also have a number of amazing retreats coming up. I would love for you to join us!