Admittedly, as my husband would (rightly) suggest, I am absolutely (and willingly I might add) a slave to the supreme cult-like existence of Apple. Completely “indoctrinated” by the brand when my parents bought my little brother + I a - now probably vintage - Mac back when we were kids - think dial up connections + not having a clue what the internet really even was, I am grateful for Apple, in all it’s crazed-up-marketing genius glory, because it works for me + I’m happy to flow in the ease of my entire digital life + work syncing for me on every device without fault.

When Apple came out with the Apple Watch though, I was, much to my own dismay, hesitant to allow myself one. I know my personality. I get into things. Like really into things. Sometimes in an all-consuming way. But at some point I thought, hey, maybe I’ll just give it a go. I can control this. It was Series 6 by the time I chose to dive in so it was a good few years on the market at this point. And you guessed correctly, I loved it. I mean, I loved it. I was obsessed from the get go. The ability to see my activity data so clearly on the daily was like the drug for me I knew it would be. A healthy one at some level as I love to move, it was part of my wellness routine really kicking into a new gear. However.. there’s healthy + then there’s, well.. let’s just say an unhealthy level of control. And while it was all fun + giggles for a while, I knew it had been getting too much yet was resistant in admitting it out loud. Apple’s collection of my data was working on me - or perhaps more aptly, against me. Each month the targets the watch would set for me were increasingly insane based on my performance the month previously. In full type-A style though I was hitting them all. But I wasn’t feeling good from any of it really. Movement energies me yet I was tired. For me moving my body is medicine for my entire being, it is part of my life in a very positive way + it was past the point of any real enjoyment because it was entirely whatever the watch was indicating that was doing rather than what I actually felt like doing. I wasn’t even really present on an evening stroll with my husband cause it was slowing up my stats. While it low-key drives me crazy how slowly he walks, I admire how he goes for a walk to enjoy it rather than it being an exercise. But this had gone beyond me - the fun part of wearing the watch.

At the beginning of December last year I had a moment where - for the first time in two years except for our wedding day, cause hey, let’s face it it’s not exactly the most bridal look ever - I forgot to put it on. I had literally worn it every single day without fail until that point. It needed charging during the day + shockingly I forgot to put it back on. But then I realised something really clearly that evening, my thinking that came to light that day was pretty alarming(even to my madness): shit.. I can’t go for a run now cause it won’t show my full day of data, what’s the point?! OK.. wait what, Rebecca!?!?!? You can’t go for a run because you didn’t wear your watch for the first half of the day? Like WT(actual)F! A run is a run. Stats or no stats. I used to be that person to jokingly (kidding but not kidding) say that if I didn’t record it, did it even happen? But what on earth does that even really mean!? What is the real motivation behind moving my body? Like seriously. Emotionally I would only know how to feel about myself depending on what the numbers came in as at the end of the day. Was I good enough? Had I done enough? Did I need to walk around the house a little more to hit the goal? Run up + down the stairs like I’d actually lost it? Had I reached some completely made up version of “perfection” for the day? The watch dictated how I was allowed feel or think about myself. It was unhealthy. And I knew it. So.. I choose to try on something new: freedom from the stats. And I haven’t worn the watch in a couple of months now.

The results? Well while firstly I am aware this might all simply highlight my kind-of bonkers side - something you hopefully don’t relate to at all, I hope, if you do relate, that you might find some freedom in the idea of not wearing your smart watch with me one day if it’s become more of a prison for you than just the intended information it provides because on the upside, while I took a little break from working out since being floored by a flu recently I’ve been enjoying my walks so much more, being present with my husband on our (ok slow walks is so his thing.. I still love to walk fast, it’s just who I am, ha) slower walks together. For real though, I’m more in the moment, letting our little dog Winston stop + sniff as many times as he wishes cause let’s face it, he doesn’t give a damn what pace we take so long as he gets to stop a million times to pee on every plant + check out all the corners. And how do I record my workouts you might (or totally might not) ask? Well in case you were wondering for friend, this week I went to my first class since being sick + it was fabulous. I was there, on the reformer, in my body.

And while I’m definitely not saying I won’t ever wear it again or dive back into the desire to track my movement, for now it’s a welcomed calm in mind + body to move with more of a body-mind connection as my focus + to cherish what it feels like to move again rather than how a device dictates it should feel to me. A more nourishing + self-respecting body-mind connection is something I am really working toward as it’s something I notice is still very much a work in progress for me. Well if I can give up the stats, then maybe we really can do anything. Here’s to progress, not perfection.